My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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