wrigley field is MILF paradise
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
