Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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