You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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