I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
