he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
