Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
