I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
