There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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