i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
