I saw his package. It spoke to me.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
