The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
