i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
