my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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