I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
