and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
