I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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