that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
