My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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