I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
