I need to stop coming to work sober
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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