dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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