I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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