If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize