If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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