she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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