woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
