If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize