She is in my trunk
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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