I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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