Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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