put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
