Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
