I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
