I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
