Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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