You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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