The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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