Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
