turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
