meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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