Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
