nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
