They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
