Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
