You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
