Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
These tits shall not be calmed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
