The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
