mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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