My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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