Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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