Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
