The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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