be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
this will be a night to untag.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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